Living in Limbo

Such a long time not to be posting - such a long time to feel no one wants to hear what I have to write , or that I have nothing to say. Which for a writer is quite incredulous.

For quite a long time I have been living under a cloud of frustration - trying to make myself fit into some one elses preconceived idea who I should be. Not only has it not worked, it has prevented forward movment in my life and my career and I am so sorry to say but also in my relationships.

Wow! If only I knew how I could let that become real for you - let you understand how confining that has been. How much heartache that has caused within me and around me. Yet through all my struggles, I have TRIED to be who I am. I have read and studied, and tried to meditate.
But life has taken a heavy toll on me and it is not always been easy to bounce back. I know some of my work colleagues have considered me to be quite 'hard.' Many of these same people drew these conclusions when I came to them vulnerable after the loss of my first born son, the loss of my marriage of 20 years and after I had run away to start a new life. Without sounding too dramatic it was too difficult to explain that my marriage had been based on sexual, emotional and physical violence, that my husband had taken every opportunity after my son died in a car accident (where I was the driver) of calling me a murderer (at least 3 to 4 times a day) and that finally the straw that broke this camels back was when my 10yr old son overheard his father saying that the wrong son died. So how could I share that without it seeming too dramatic? How could I fit into their neat orderly lives, after all it is not really the lifestyle of your average libarian?

So I didn't explain but I didn't stop reading and studying and meditating, even if I did try to curb my natural exuberance to fit into the neatly confining life of a librarian. But now I am determined that over the course of the next six weeks I will do even more reading, and studying and writing. I will hype up the ampage, I will use this journal, the online work journal - oh yes, I forgot to mention I am also undertaking an inhouse online course on marketing myself. (perhaps more about that some other time.) - and I will also be journalling in the the other journals I have spread thoughout my house. (I have something like 3 black ones, one nice read leather look one, one homemade paper one and one red embossed one. - Journals are an important asset in this journey, get yourself one, or like me get many, some for your good thoughts , some for scribble, some for quotes, or just throw anything into anyone of them, but make sure there is always one nearby.

Why am I going through all this?

Well finally I feel like I am making a breakthrough - from studying everyone elses thoughts I truly believe I am finally getting some real insights into ME and like what I am am finding and want to see more me. Sounds a little weird and wacky but I think it's working. Not everyone is going to like the results but I can live with that. So as I said I am surrounding myself with journals, quotes, and exercises and I will share some of that on here. I am also making 'dates' to surround myself with like minded people and events, so you may see some of that as I continue this journey.

So what am I reading and looking at that is making such a big difference? Well first I need to thank some of my mentors who are helping make a difference in me- Robert, my luscious boss who believes in me, supports me and is doing all he can to move me forward. My gorgeous friend and fellow crone, Helen, she sees a part of me that I don't, and still loves the part of me that is hurt and hurtful. To Michael who gives me my wonderful weekly dose of me being me, not to mention the wonderful painting space where I can experiment, stretch myself and to find out more about me. And to Rodney, my long suffering husband who reminds me to treat others with respect, to think a situation through and to look after my body as well as my soul. Thanks to him I no longer have so many 'wiggly bits', and I can dress and carry my body with pride.

But back to those books:
The Quiet Heart; Putting Stress in its Place by Peter Gruenwald
Brenda Kinsel's Fashion Makeover: 30 days to Diva Style - this is more than a fashion book, it truly is about finding the diva in yourelf and by that she Brenda articulates the diva as being the woman who is "ripe and juicy, free to love, and open to receiving it. She is aware of her talents and gifts, and she uses them. She is not afraid to shine and distinguish herself from others. A diva is the star of her life and she doesn't diminish others." Yes! Yes! Yes! I am so looking forward to working right through her book and releasing that diva - Wat ch out world!
Spiritual Business: Creating a Business from the Heart by Kate Forster. Must link to her blog, cause I love her book and her exercises, and I can see myself growing so much from really placing myself in her hands.

Delight yourself first - These wonderful word come from another long distant mentor SARK - here is the link to her journal http://www.sarkjournal.com/. And I fully intend to add her page to my own links so you too, can follow her experiences, in the meantime here is her webpage http://www.planetsark.com/.

If you are reading, and even if your not, I will post as I can and journal what I can. If you have read this far, I hope any insights I may share will help you on your journey.

You ARE the STAR of your life. Keep shining.